So how many times does this happen to us (in the day..)
We promise ourselves that tonight the mobile will not enter the bedroom, we will not touch sugar/carbs/bread/all three… we will not give up on an evening walk or any other commitment that we know, we simply know that keeping it will significantly upgrade our quality of life.
And then comes the almost inevitable moment – when we break.
At that moment the lie arises, yes, the lie of guilt.
The voice in our head says: “What a weak character I have”, “I have no willpower”, or any other version of the message that is essentially similar.
And why is it a lie?
Because we assume that this urge, this temptation, and the inability to resist it – are evidence of who we really are. We completely identify with the action.
The turning point – a moment of separation of powers
Come on, so if it’s not me, then who is it that has now spent an hour on Facebook instead of going on the walk that I committed to?
It’s our ego. Which is related to us, no doubt, but it is not who we are.
The ego is that part of us that is simply a collection of conditioning, habits, and survival mechanisms that seeks immediate pleasure and escape from pain or boredom. That’s what it does, that’s what it was designed to do.
The ego is not a monster, it doesn’t seek our harm, God forbid, but its agenda can sometimes clash with that of the larger ‘I’.
It mainly works on automatons, on habits, and since our brain is built and works on habits, it often seems to take over and determine for us – the greater awareness – what we will actually do.
And that’s a distinction that can make all the difference. That’s what it does for me.
I am not that part conditioned to seek immediate pleasure, and to escape any kind of pain or suffering – even boredom,
I am the awareness that is able to observe this ego.
That is, the real “I” is the one observing the urge. The part that requires distraction now is just the ego’s mechanism that turns on. Like a computer program running in the background.
How the mechanism works (and why it is not the enemy)
So as mentioned, the ego hates to feel discomfort (boredom, fear, stress, emptiness). As soon as there is a little vacuum, the ego immediately requires “noise” (food, social networks, drama) in order not to feel.
I can testify that during my stay at the retreat it literally created drama with a minimum of tools (the phone and iPad were left at home). With impressive skill, it created a dramatic story that captured my attention for hours. A drama that only ended when I was ready to make this separation and then the compassionate observation of the ego that simply could not contain the feeling of loneliness.
Once you understand that it is the ego and that is its job (to protect us from feeling distressed through distractions) – you can stop being angry with it. You don’t have to “kill” the ego, you just have to stop believing that it is the manager of the event.
The practical tools (How do you do it?)
So how do I really do it? It is much simpler than it seems, but as always, requires practice.
Let’s start by using the power of language. Even just changing the terminology can do wonders with the way my mind interprets the event, and from there, as we know, the change begins. So, instead of saying “I need something sweet to eat” or “I can’t concentrate,” I can teach myself to say: “I notice that I now have a strong urge for sweet,” or “My brain is now looking for a distraction.”
Sounds technical, but again, the power of language.. Try it..
The next tool is the most significant tool in my opinion in mindfulness practice and in life – creating the gap. The moment we become “observing” the urge instead of “being” the urge, a gap of a few seconds is created. In this gap lies our right to choose. Remember Viktor Frankl? That’s where our ability to grow lies.
So basically the practice is to stop for a second and observe. Try to connect with the recognition that it’s not ‘me’ there, but the ego that simply wants what it’s used to wanting.
Even if in the end I ‘surrendered’, it doesn’t matter. The very stopping and observing already sows the seeds in consciousness for the change that will come later.
And finally, the power of compassion. So in the end we gave in to the urge and scrolled on our mobile for an hour –
The mindfulness here is the ability to say “Okay, my ego won this round, it’s okay, this is not my essence”, and move on without a chain of guilt feelings.
Because this guilt only turns the wheel of suffering another turn, by fighting what has already happened. And you remember, what I resist, fight, intensifies. It is much wiser to let it move on and return to ourselves with another pinch of self-compassion, of acceptance of ourselves with the perfection of our imperfections.
Almost paradoxically, this approach will weaken the ego that thirsts for our little wars with it, because it usually wins.
Not war, not repression. The middle way – observation and liberation.
And so, gradually, we take an experience of self-flagellation that every person in the modern world experiences, and turn it into an opportunity to recognize the quiet inner essence that exists beyond the impulses.
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