Psychologist Carl Rogers is quoted as saying: “Only after I was able to accept myself exactly as I was, was I free to change.”
The things we resist imprison us, they do not allow us to grow to this incredible thing we can become.
But are we able to accept ourselves, including these parts of us that we would so much like to get rid of?
So this is the question I asked my loved ones in the second lesson that discussed compassion and self-acceptance.
I asked, operatively meaning – “I turned off the light and asked them to sit with a
straight back and close their eyes and then I asked.”
–> What is this thing – the tendency, the trait, or any other characteristic as such – that is difficult for you to accept in yourself? –> Why is it hard for you to accept this in yourself?
–> How would it feel if you could accept yourself completely, with this trait?
Then I asked them to write in their notebooks.
The truth is that these tasks were really hard for me to read. More than once I found myself with tears in my eyes.
Maybe the tears come from a place of a certain sense of responsibility, now that I am one of the “adult world” that teaches these wonderful kids to simply not love themselves, with the crazy culture we represent.
So those smart, gifted children of mine, excellent students with whom, at the end of the year, I shared that the thing I love most about them is how good they are, how they treat others with respect, help others and they never hurt others on purpose, those children live with the crazy feeling that they are not enough..
They are not beautiful enough, not loved enough, not assertive enough, too stubborn, too jealous of others..
And the answer to the third question was similar for almost everyone.
If I accept myself as I am, I will never improve.
And this mistake is so common. Even among adults like us, who have already experienced a thing or two in our lives, certainly among teenagers.
Because you know, in everything we do, we are motivated by fear or love.
Unfortunately, most of the time we are motivated by fear, and we have a pretty good evolutionary reason.
Evolutionarily, if we weren’t good enough, we didn’t survive. The familiar story of Fight, Flight, Freeze.
But that was a long time ago.
Today the one who fights for his survival is our ego, our “survival” is purely psychological.
But it is no less strong and powerful. Never underestimate the power of the ego, it doesn’t let reality get in the way.
And so acting out of love is less instinctive for us in many cases, and again, unfortunately, mainly love towards ourselves, and especially when we, god forbid, are wrong.
So what can we do about it?
First of all, as always, observe. Softly, with loving kindness, as far as possible without judgment, observe that quality of ours that is difficult for us to accept.
Again, we want to adopt an approach that is inquisitive, curious, wanting to know and understand this person I refer to as “I”.
I certainly don’t want to judge myself for not accepting myself, since what I focus on intensifies.
I just sit quietly, write, speak it out loud- whatever works for me – in order to get to know that quality in me and my attitude towards it.
I try to get to know me, like a good friend would. Compassion will come by itself.
In fact, I started my sessions with my students with a very simple question:
What do you expect from a good friend?
And the answers?
To accept me as I am, to “lift” me, to be with me when I have a hard time, to encourage me, to be loyal, not to lie to me, to listen to me.
And the next, obvious question?
Are we good friends for ourselves?
When we realize that we are not, the wonderful journey begins. Wonderful.
Mindful Education 