One of my favorite experiences on retreat (and a little bit after) is this softness that permeates the mind. It’s a wonderful feeling. It seems as if the ordinary things that bother us in everyday life are so meaningless..
Okay, I’ll rephrase.
The vast majority of the things that bother us in everyday life are indeed meaningless, on retreat I connect with this experience. The place usually inhabited by judgments, criticism and anger is filled with love, acceptance and softness.
Sure, the “factors” that usually activate those judgments and anger are not with me on retreat!
Well, not exactly, but the truth is that at the same time, this demon that says exactly that does indeed speak up.
“When you get home, the same things will upset you again, the same people will trigger the judgments again!”.
So I thought about how to bring this loving and compassionate attitude home with me, and work so that it stays with me.
And the truth is that the thought that inspired the strongest motivation to practice this practice, which is not easy, and the progress in it is not linear, is:
Who do you want to be?
What kind of person, woman do you want to be in this situation? In this relationship? In this life?
It seems to me that I know who I want to be, and somehow “life gets in my way”.. 🙂
You see, we are talking about very trivial things, we all know it: we come home, see the socks on the floor or the dishes in the sink, and immediately anger rises. Before we notice, and just because “we have no other choice” we become the “police officers” of the house, nagging others constantly, feeling that it is the environment that is destroying the peace we have worked so hard for.
And yes, each and every one of us has other triggers that activate the exact same place. So you are welcome to address your trigger.
The turning point
In my practice, I learn how to make everything that appears in life part of the practice, and I decided to apply this principle here. Because “It is easy to be a holy man on top of a mountain” and it is really not that hard to maintain patience when we are alone. (And don’t for a moment think that it is easy for me to be alone on a retreat, it is not.)
But the understanding that came to me is that mess is not the obstacle to our peace – it is the path to it.
And what does this mean?
Instead of seeking peace only on the meditation cushion, we can see the socks on the floor as a “mindfulness bell” that calls us back to the present, and allows us the opportunity to practice who we want to be in the presence of what we perceive as unpleasant.
Of course, this can be considered a manipulation of our consciousness, but stick with me.
Even the usual way we have learned to perceive things as ‘justifying’ anger or judgment is a manipulation of the mind – simply one that has been carried out for years, and not only by ourselves but even before we even had a choice. Parents, society, schools – all have explained to us what is right, what is worth getting angry about, what behavior justifies that we will condemn the one who demonstrates it.
And it seems that this manipulation does not bring much happiness to our lives. So let’s try something else?
How the mechanism works – the practical tools
So it goes like this, let’s take the sock on the floor for example:
Actually, when we see an object that is ‘out of place’, our brain does not only see shape and color; it immediately puts a “story” on it (for example: “I am not appreciated”, “I do everything at home” and so on).
Which means that essentially, we do not respond to the object, we respond to the story. Once we understand this, we can neutralize the automatic response.
The idea is that we will teach ourselves to get used to events that usually irritate us as ‘mindfulness bells’. Gradually we will teach ourselves to recognize the sock on the floor, the dishes in the sink or the scolding tone as triggers to stop, observe and make a choice.
We will start with a 2-second pause.
So, before we get upset with others or tidy up ourselves, we will stop for a moment and look at the object thrown on the floor, for example, purely as a color and shape, emptied of all the bad meanings we have attached to it. Simply “There is a sock on the floor here”.
Or in the case that someone says something that is unpleasant to us, we will first concentrate on the tone and sound of their voice for 3 seconds, in order to create a space before the brain interprets the words and gets offended.
Then, and only then, can we decide what we want to do – ask the person who made the mess to clean it up, or clean it up myself; tell the person in front of me that I don’t like the way they’re talking to me, or decide to ignore the tone and try to listen to what hurts them.
So this pause, which is artificial at first of course and not so comfortable,
will gradually change the habit of automatically reacting with anger or insult,
and will allow us to choose a response that matches who we really want to be.
The Doorstep Technique
You can even choose one door in the house, (maybe even the main entrance door?) and every time you pass through it you decide to take a breath, and leave the “stories” behind for 3 seconds of clean presence.
Then you decide how to relate to it.
Any choice is good, when it is truly a choice, and not a habit of years that has controlled us and we haven’t had enough desire to change it.
Hard work, the results are not immediate and the progress, as mentioned, is not linear.
But the benefit?
We benefit ourselves, no less.
Because we choose and live who we truly want to be.
And in our worldview, this is the basis for a truly happy life.
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