How to teach self-compassion – Part One

Good question. In general,, it’s good to start with a question. And that’s almost what I did in the class we call “Mindfulness” but is actually much more than that.

One hour a week, in English class, under the pretext of their writing practice, I kind of force (in the initial stage at least) my dear students to look inside, and then write about it. This is one of the huge advantages of teaching English; I can do whatever comes to my mind, do it in English, and the learning happens..

And the truth is that it’s a brilliant idea, no less. and why?
Because even the greatest talkers (and so certainly those who don’t make their voices heard in class, certainly not in English) write much more when I am the only witness to their thoughts than in front of 30 very good friends, who judge them exactly as they themselves judge others.
And it’s quite strange considering the fact that in a class of about 30 students, I can find in each such class maybe 2 students who do not share the hardships that their friends write about.
So I showed a short video of (the wonderful) Dr. Kristin Neff, talking about three components of self-compassion, which are relevant to all of us, even more so to teenagers:

An attitude of kindness toward ourselves instead of self-judgment, which is almost automatic for so many of us.

A feeling of connection to others instead of disconnection from them. We have the feeling that we are the only ones who “mess up”, that something is wrong with the way or the direction in which our lives are going, and that with others it is completely different; For them, it seems, things are going great. And so, in our embarrassment, we don’t share the awkward feelings with others, we disconnect from them, and it’s very scary to feel disconnected..

Awareness of the suffering that arises, without identifying with it. Mindfulness. To observe what comes up in the body, in the mind, without judging or feeling that I have to make it disappear or do something about it. not simple. But necessary.

Then I asked the question – how much do you agree with the points that Dr. Neff makes?
silence. I wait a few more minutes, and the silence is thunderous.
So what do you do when the class is silent? That’s exactly what I did. I turned off the lights, asked them to sit with their backs straight and close their eyes.
Take a moment to listen in.
After relaxing the body muscles, focusing on breathing and briefly guiding the above points and my question of course, I asked them to answer the question in the notebook I had prepared for them in advance. This is another thing I’ve learned over the years – If you can’t beat them, join them.. Like I would allow something like that fail because “the dog ate my notebook”..Rookie mistakes.
I bought them notebooks, and after each lesson I collected them, for checking what had been written of course, but also to ensure that they will return for the next meeting..

And what happened?
After all, these are children in an accelerated English class, all of them from excellent classes, most of them belong to my gifted class. Good children from a prestigious region in central Israel, really from good and loving homes. So, of course, they always treat themselves with loving kindness, feel that their lives are flowing in exactly the right direction, And they contain with love and blessings the times when they are not.
So well, no. But really not.

The self-judgment screaming from the pages, the immense loneliness they feel in their pain because they are sure they are the only ones who judge themselves so harshly, all of these made me want to approach them and hug them, one by one, and make them see themselves as I see them.
But I’ve been around in this world for the sixth decade of my life, and I know it doesn’t work that way. No one else can do this for us, only I can learn to see myself in a way that will allow me to live a good life.

So what do we do with it in the next lesson?
First of all, we reflect on what was there – almost 30 students who are sure that they are the only ones who judge themselves this way, who compare themselves to others at any given moment, and somehow always come out with their hand on the bottom.
Then some questions are asked, which we can actually ask ourselves – because these wonderful teenagers are completely our reflections.

So first, does it really work for us, this self-judgment? Does it really spur us on to be better?

There are always those who insist it spurs them on to try harder, to achieve more, but that is not my question.
After all, at the end of the day, we want all these things that we strive so hard to achieve because we believe they will make us happy (which is a question for investigation in another session).

This self-judgment, which at least as I experience it when it rears its head, or as my dear students report, can be harsh and cruel, does it really contribute to my happiness?

And in general, can I really compare myself to others? Do I know what is really going on in their minds?

Was I born with the same tendencies, beliefs, skills or abilities so that there is some external parameter by which I can really compare us?

And you know, the fact that our society has created such parameters, does not mean that society is right.. The average level of happiness, especially in the western world, is an indication that it is probably not completely..

So maybe it’s time to check another possibility of referring to ourselves, one like that of a good friend, one who really wants to get to know us, to see who we really are, what we really like to do, who we want to be, where the places where we are in flow are, these places we are forgetting ourselves because we enjoy ourselves so much.

Maybe it’s time to adopt a different approach to life; Not one that measures us at every step and whips us when we don’t meet our own or others’ expectations, but one that is curious, wants to explore and know, to better understand life, what it presents to me, the way in which I can grow and conduct myself within it.

Maybe it’s time to examine the possibility of accepting myself, as I am at this moment, for all my imperfections; And precisely from this completely accepting and embracing place, with baby steps, little by little, to step towards who I was always meant to be.

Maybe it really is time..