So the school year is starting soon!
There is something very exciting about this division of life into years.
Every year there is a new beginning; even if I continue with the same homeroom class, and with some of the classes in English, still – it’s different.
They get older in a year, (I stay the same age)
We meet contents that may be familiar to me, but for them they are new, and so they create a completely different dynamic.
Every year one class graduates and another class takes its place (not in my heart, there really is room for everyone).
And every year there is this promise, that this year, it will be better.
You get addicted to it, to the point that it’s not really clear how one can work in a place where you start working, and there aren’t really landmarks of a beginning, middle and an end..
And every year, as in a new beginning, we talk about expectations.
An innocent concept that, if not handled properly, can cause great distress.
What does it actually mean, expectations?
What does it mean that I expect certain behavior from someone?
On what basis do I expect that behavior?
And above all, what happens when they don’t behave the way I expect them to behave?
And of course, the questions apply to myself as well:
What does it mean that I am expected to behave in a certain way?
On what basis am I expected to do just that?
And above all, what happens if I don’t behave the way I’m expected to behave?
Something happens when I turn the questions towards myself.
I’m not really comfortable being expected to behave in ways that may not be natural for me.
In general, I learned to direct to myself questions and expectations that I have from others and examine how they make me feel.
It’s worth trying, you get quite deep insights… but that’s for another post.
So if we return to the topic of expectations, it is worth examining if this is indeed the idea we want to guide us – expectations from the other side.
And this is true for any relationship, even those closest to us.
We can start with my relationship with my dear class, for example. This will be our second year together; so I suppose we will talk about what each would like to happen during the school year, they will share, I would like to hope, the role they would like me to play in their lives this year, the places in which I can support them in one way or another.
And I will share my opinion about the way in which their studies should be managed and in general, I will probably talk about personal responsibility, about cooperation with others, about clear communication – because I tried mind reading and it still doesn’t work for me – and about other ideas and values that I believe in with all my heart.
But these are not expectations.
These are thoughts about how each of the parties would like things to happen.
Because you see, the point is that the mere fact that I express a certain idea, does not really obligate the other party to act on that same idea.
This is a huge mistake that we all fall into – certainly as parents, teachers and spouses.
Now, this certainly does not mean that I cannot set boundaries in case of a clear violation of acceptable behavior – acceptable according to my own standards or the group’s.
But expectation introduces a completely different element.
And what does it mean?
Let’s say that I demand respectful behavior from the students. And believe me, I demand it. And to be fair, even if it’s trivial and obvious, I make it clear.
If one of the students does not act according to the above rule of behavior and treats me disrespectfully, I will of course set the appropriate boundaries – and we, who respect ourselves, have our own ways of doing this.
But I do not include an experience of unfulfilled expectation in this equation.
Because when I expect certain behavior from someone and they don’t live up to it – whatever their reasons are – I get disappointed, angry, and in some cases even frustrated. Because the other party did not behave in the way I expected them to behave.
What does that actually mean?
That expecting something from someone is, in other words, taking my happiness, or at least my momentary peace of mind,
and put it in the hands of the other party.
Yes, I know, it sounds really extreme, and yes, I know, it’s the most natural thing in the world to expect, we all do it, all the time, in every relationship, certainly in those we define as significant.
And of course, you can return to expecting from others after reading the post.
Still, don’t run away yet, let’s dare to think about it.
Although it is completely acceptable and necessary to establish acceptable rules of behavior in any of our relationships, there is something in the idea of expectation that does not make much sense.
I expect someone to act or even be who I want them to be, sometimes (and maybe usually) regardless of who they really are.
A recipe for suffering.
Does that mean I have to put up with any behavior? Definately not
Does this mean that I have to stay in a place where I am treated inappropriately? Of course not.
I am obliged to set clear boundaries (which by the way can and should be flexible at times) certainly in the educational process – as a teacher, as a parent.
But what it does mean is that I take, as always according to our worldview, 100% responsibility for my happiness.
And that means that when I expect, get disappointed and then get angry, complain, get frustrated, I’m actually paying a price for someone else’s behavior.
And that’s actually putting my peace of mind in someone else’s hands.
And that, I don’t want.
So what can be done?
Mindfulness.
When someone doesn’t behave the way I would like them to behave, before I react with anger, blame, and intensify the hard energy,
I stop.
and I look inside.
And check my story about what’s going on.
And I ask myself questions like:
“What’s really happening? What did you expect from the other side that didn’t happen?”
“Who are they supposed to be, how are they supposed to behave?”
“Is that really how they’re supposed to behave?”
“Why, in your opinion, should they behave this way?”
Then I honestly ask myself:
“This is who is in front of you right now, they are not who you expect them to be. They will not be who you want them to be just because you expect them to. So then,
If this is behavior that you are not ready to accept, what can you do, from a place of confidence and inner peace, to stop it?”
Because you know, many times we are angry with the other party, blame, slander (I have sinned in all these)
Because we don’t have the courage and the willingness to put in the effort to find the way and to act to set the boundaries clearly,
And, in some cases, even leave.
Then, unable to change the situation, we stay and get angry with the other party that “because of them”, the situation is not as we want it to be.
So we may be “right”, but the price we pay for being right takes away the joy in our lives and our ability to grow and transform the situation to where we would like to take it.
Now think of someone you love, and think of the hard feeling you give them when you tell them they “don’t live up to your expectations”.
And think about yourself, when you get the feeling that “you don’t live up to expectations”.
Isn’t it time to consider this idea of expectations and think of something a little more enabling?
I think so, I’m working on it.
Mindful Education 