Many times, we find ourselves on a constant journey toward the external world, trying to fix it, explain it, and control it. We react critically to what others say or do, trying to change them or justify ourselves, without realizing that this entire display is a reflection of our internal world. What our consciousness whispers, life shouts. Silince is a space that allows us to stop the race and embark on an inverse journey: inward, into self-observation.
Within the quiet of the retreat, the mind begins to observe itself. Our stories about the people in our lives rise to the surface, but contrary to the automatic response, we see them not as absolute facts but as projections of our consciousness. It’s a moment of powerful discovery: when we see someone who annoys us, within seconds we recognize how we act in the exact same way. This realization turns our world upside down.
The Inner Mirror: Why Do We Reject Those Who Annoy Us?
Moreover, within the quiet, I see how those who anger me the most reflect parts of me that I completely dislike. Check it out.
Perhaps they act in a more exaggerated, extreme, or coarse way than we do, but the DNA is the same DNA. Just as the DNA of a seed is identical to that of the tree that grows from it. And so, because we are accustomed to rejecting those parts of ourselves, we also reject them. In effect, we reject ourselves. This is a cruel cycle of rejection, and to break it, we must begin in the only place that is truly in our control: within.
Thus, the people who annoy us the most are not our enemies but our greatest teachers. They reflect parts of us that we refuse to see or accept.
Many times, our consciousness projects how we relate to others. Most spiritual practice teaches us to treat others as we would want to be treated, because this is precisely what happens. The way we treat others causes us to perceive a world that treats us similarly.
However, in many other cases, it projects how we act toward ourselves—even if “only” in thought. So, in essence, all the people in our lives are voices shouting what our consciousness might be whispering. Every criticism I experience from others toward me, every judgment, is a projection on a three-dimensional screen of my own consciousness’s voices. In the retreat, I went through one judgment after another that I had experienced from others in my life, and I saw how there are parts of me where I think the exact same things about myself. The external judgments are like an echo of the judgments and doubts that already exist within me.
What Do We Do with This? The Other Way Around.
And what do I usually do in response? I try to fix them (in the “best” case), justify myself, or even reject them or attack back. Because that’s what the ego does to feel strong enough, because otherwise—it truly believes—it won’t survive.
While what we should do is the exact opposite.
Instead of entering an automatic state of defense, justifying ourselves, attacking back, or trying to fix the other person, we need to do the most counter-intuitive action there is: stop.
This action is a tool for self-observation. When I want to reject those people in my life who act in a way that is unpleasant for me, instead of judging, rejecting, or even trying to fix them, I stop. I use them as a tool for self-observation. I ask: Is there a connection between the way I perceive them and the way I perceive myself? Or maybe I act in a similar way toward others?
And no, this is not self-blame but an attempt to explore.
Then, when the time is right, I begin to work. And the work is not external but internal. We are not trying to fix the world outside but to change our mind, which looks at the world, perceives it, creates it. Then, if we identify judgments toward ourselves, we teach ourselves self-acceptance and self-compassion. If we identify difficulty with others, we practice compassion and acceptance toward them. This process requires patience, because it’s contrary to our automatic response. It’s okay to fall; in fact, falling is inevitable. And most importantly—remember compassion—for ourselves and for others.
The “Buddhist Trick”: A Lever for Inner Change
And sometimes we feel so hurt by others that we cannot see the possibility of acting toward them in a compassionate and accepting way. In Buddhism, we have a “trick.” We use a third person, with whom it is easier for us to develop that benevolent attitude, and we dedicate these efforts to experiencing it from that person with whom we have difficulty. Try it, it works. The mind is the same mind; the different manifestations are not so different in their essence.
But beyond all the methods, the key is mindfulness. The practice of mindfulness creates a space for non-judgmental observation. Even before we take any active steps, the mere act of observation can bring about transformation.
You will never know if I speak the truth unless you try for yourself. Give yourself a chance to check it out: observe the person who hurts you, distill what is hurting, and check if there is a part within you that acts similarly toward yourself or others. If you discover that there is, it’s worth continuing to explore this connection. This is a journey worth continuing—the journey inward, to the truth that is the source of everything. The journey of taking full responsibility for my happiness, from its sole source—my own mind.
Mindful Education 