Retreat – Day 18.
This morning I understood love.
It had an object, but it was a different one. The object was my sister, but not as she usually appears to me.
I didn’t love her because of what she is; I simply loved her. And this love had nothing to do with the labels that supposedly define her.
It wasn’t because she is generous, smart, funny, or a good sister. It wasn’t about what she does, how much she helps, or how successful she is—on the contrary.
I felt how these labels—positive, negative, or neutral—only get in my way. Because I love her with a love that is before the labels, that is beneath them.
Naturally, images of her as a child came to mind. Perhaps it was a desperate attempt to understand the meaning of this love. But every attempt to understand only took me further away from it.
The love is simply there. It may have an object, but it has no conditions.
And as much as it moves me to tears, there is something very calming, very peaceful about it. Because you don’t have to be anything special, you don’t have to try to do certain things or say the right words—this love is just there.
You can simply sit and feel it fill your heart.
You can rest.
And just dwell in this love.
Without letting the labels interfere.
The Insight and the Choice to Practice
The insight that came to me during the retreat is how much these labels and judgments get in the way of truly loving, and surprisingly, positive labels get in the way just as much as negative ones. They create conditions.
We look for reasons to love others, to want to be close to them—certain character traits, similar life circumstances, their opinions—and this is natural, normal, understandable, and very limiting.
What if we could love others even without these labels?
What if we had the ability to see beneath immediate judgments, to be able to gently be with every expression that appears before us?
Because something very profound happens here.
When my love for others is conditional, so is my love for myself, and that is how I approach the world. I learn (or at least I try) to be who I think others want me to be, so that I can meet their conditions for love. And if (in my opinion) I don’t meet those conditions, I genuinely believe I am not worthy of their love.
Now, just think how wonderful it would be if we were loved in this way, without needing to meet any conditions, but simply because we are here. Like a newborn baby who doesn’t have to be anything for us to love them. The truth is, they don’t even have to be born yet… even in the womb, the connection is a connection of love.
So what do I need to do to feel loved like this? As always—I need to give it to others first.
To be the person who practices the unconditional opening of the heart.
Practicing unconditional love?
That sounds like something suited for monks on a mountain or spiritual people of the highest caliber…
So, let’s redefine love.
Love is the wish for the other to attain happiness.
And the other side of that same coin—compassion, which we will define as the wish for the other to be free from all suffering.
Now it sounds a bit more practical, doesn’t it? After all, that’s what we would naturally wish for most people in the world, and certainly for those close to us.
And that is exactly how our meditation is structured.
Loving Kindness Meditation
Loving Kindness Meditation (in Sanskrit: Mettā) is an ancient Buddhist practice aimed at systematically and intentionally cultivating unconditional love, compassion, and the desire to bring happiness to others. It is a meditation focused on developing a positive state of mind that is not dependent on external circumstances.
The practice involves intentionally sending wishes of loving kindness to various beings, from oneself to all living creatures. The goal is to open the heart and remove the mental barriers (such as judgment, criticism, anger, or clinging) that prevent us from experiencing pure and benevolent love.
The central wishes are usually:
- “May you be safe, peaceful, and happy.”
- “May you be free from pain and suffering.”
- “May you be filled with joy.”
- “May you live with ease and pleasure.”
These phrases are said in the heart or silently, with each wish being felt in the body and mind, in a sincere effort to evoke a feeling of love and goodwill.
The Structure of Concentric Circles
The practice is done gradually, using concentric circles (circles that move progressively outward) to expand the heart steadily and stably:
- The First Circle: Yourself – Sending loving kindness and good wishes to oneself. This is an essential prerequisite before being able to send it to others.
- The Second Circle: A Loved One – Sending loving kindness to someone we naturally love—like a family member or a close friend. This is the most critical circle for training unconditional love and dismantling labels.
- The Third Circle: A Neutral Person – Sending loving kindness to someone we have no strong feelings for (like a cashier at the supermarket or a random neighbor). Here, neutrality expands into love.
- The Fourth Circle: A Difficult Person – Sending loving kindness to someone who causes us difficulty, anger, or hatred (the ‘enemy’ or the one who ‘annoys’ us). This is a test of our ability to let go of judgment and anger.
- The Fifth Circle: All Beings – Extending loving kindness to all beings everywhere, without distinction or condition, including trees, animals, and all human beings across the world.
At each stage, the practice asks us to stay with the feeling of the open heart that has arisen and to send it without demanding anything in return or making it conditional on the other person’s actions. The practice might seem technical, but the healing power of this meditation lies in the repetition and emotional sincerity of sending these heartfelt wishes.
Your People Come First
While the spiritual path teaches us to love even the one who angers us, there is great wisdom in the concentric circles of Loving Kindness meditation.
The tendency might be to rush to the neutral and more distant circles, but I see immense wisdom in staying much longer in the first circle of Loving Kindness: to observe how conditional my love is for those I already love, and to think about how to connect with the love I have for them that is beneath the labels, beneath the judgment. This is the deepest way to make this love a daily reality.
And then, the expression “your people come first” takes on a much deeper meaning. It’s not that my people are more important than others, but that I deal with my people every day. And they may bring up feelings in me that are unpleasant and not good, but if I want to experience this loving kindness, I need to learn to see the love that is beneath those feelings as they arise.
The Spiritual Practice
One of the great fears that arises towards the end of a retreat is that the insights I’ve connected with will disappear the moment I step outside, and my ego’s sophisticated defense mechanisms, built since time immemorial, will resurface, and I’ll react with my automatic habits.
The fear is that I’ll forget this magical moment of pure love that I didn’t create, but only remembered. The fear that immediate judgments will raise their heads before I remember it.
And this is where the spiritual practice comes in. Because in truth, it’s not a fear that this will happen; it’s almost certain that it will. I need to train my consciousness to have a different attitude towards the world, to this view of love that is beneath conditions.
And the way to train the consciousness is precisely this—the spiritual practice. To sit for a few minutes a day and connect with this love, with the true desire for others to be happy and free from all suffering, unconditionally. Just because they are here.
Loving kindness.
And remember—your people come first. You begin the practice with those closest to you. Because for some reason, it’s precisely in front of them that our defense mechanisms are particularly sophisticated.
So, every day, for a few minutes, our consciousness can change completely.
Again, don’t believe me—try it!
Mindful Education 