In the previous article, we talked about our “shiny armor” – the need to be special and exceptional in order to feel that we exist. This time, I want us to touch upon the heart of this armor: the deep fear of “not knowing,” and the accompanying need to always be right.
For many of us, knowing is our identity. When we have an answer, when we have a solution or a brilliant insight – we feel “good enough.” But it doesn’t stop there. Because we “know,” we also feel that we must be the ones who are right. We cling to being right as if it were a lifeline, because hidden beneath this pride is a quiet fear: if I’m not right, and if I don’t know – then who am I ?
The Trap of Being Right: Winning the Argument, Losing the Connection
The need to be right accompanies us in all circles of life. With our partners, a petty argument can turn into a war over “who is right,” because admitting we were wrong feels like a collapse of our self-worth. With our children and our students, we feel we must be the authority who always knows what’s best, and that a mistake on our part will undermine our position.
We begin to believe that if we don’t have the final word, if we haven’t proven our point – we are weak or unappreciated. This feeling, that “not being right” means “I am not good enough,” is one of the most sophisticated forms of our pride. It assumes that being right is more important than our presence, and that our knowledge is more important than the connection.
The Power of the Empty Space
But the truth is that the need to be right is exactly what blocks us. When we are busy proving that we know better to our partner or child, we are not really with them. We are busy with performance and defensiveness.
There is tremendous power in agreeing “not to know” and letting go of the need to be right. When this conditioning is broken, an entirely new space opens up. It is a space where we stop being “the experts” and start simply being present. When we let go of the need to prove that we are smart or right, we discover that our worth doesn’t come from winning an argument, but from who we are at our core.
The Courage to Stand Empty-Handed Before Ourselves
Healing begins, first and foremost, with ourselves. It means agreeing to sit in a moment of quiet and say wholeheartedly: “Maybe I was wrong, maybe I don’t know what is right at this moment – and that’s okay. I am still worthy. I still have value.”
The courage to say “I don’t know” or “maybe you’re right” to our children, students, and partners is not a weakness; it is a massive inner strength. It is the ability to suspend the ego’s need for control and validation, and to agree to rest within the complexity of reality.
When we stop trying to be the ones who always know and are always right, we make room for genuine connection. And precisely within this stilness, when we let go of our need to be right, we discover the freedom to be who we truly are.
And who we truly are is an incredible thing…
We’ll discover more of that next!
Mindful Education 